Hi all,

I apologise firstly for failing to update this blog like I had implied I would. Unfortunately life has gotten in the way, very severely.

As this is my personal blog and I do not expect the vast majority of people I know, or follow me on Twitter, to read this, I am comfortable with admitting that I have been in a deep, very cyclical depression for many, many weeks now. Some details are best left omitted, however, I am now receiving support.

Of which, I am unsure if I truly want.

Bluntly put, it is quite possible that I have a disorder on the Bipolar spectrum. I am, of course, not a licensed therapist, however, if I had to assume, it is likely Bipolar II. I do not go through mania whatsoever, I believe, but it’s still very cyclical and my mood changes quite rapidly when I am in episodes like the one I have been in for some time now. I will find out what my illness is in the near future, however, if it is a disorder on the Bipolar spectrum, this may mean permanent medication I do not wish to take.

At the very least, some part of me is mortified of losing a part of myself, even if negative. Of course, whatever illness I have has already caused me many, many problems. I reckon this goes as far back to last year, but I’m unsure as to if that’s truly the case. Nevertheless, the idea of being reliant on a drug for life, or even simply the long-term (months, years) feels like a loss of independence. Especially if it means my personality is dulled, altered, or I cannot do things I feel are integral to myself, such as consume alcohol (moderately).

Part of me feels that, even if I am aggressive or sulky for no reason at all, or worse so, avoidant, and even if my various mental conditions take possibly so many years off my life that I may never see 40, or even 30, if this is how my life was meant to play out, so be it.

I do know this is inherently an irrational way of viewing things, especially considering the immense problems my mind and my behaviour have caused me in recent months, but I cannot shake these feelings for the life of me. It seems I may need time, and a proper diagnosis, as well as some conversation, to find out what comes next for certain. Most likely, it won’t actually end in me refusing to take medication, however, I refuse to rule it out.


Anyway, I would like to end this with an unrelated statement; I am being recalled to Thailand by family and may not be around from the latter half of May to early June. I apologise for this in advance. However, this isn’t my choice.
If you are a friend in Thailand, I’m sorry but this isn’t going to be a time where I can see you, I haven’t been with my family for some time now and need to spend as much time with them as I can. But, next time I’m back, I’d like to see some friends.


With Love,
Chatian























wordswordswords blah blah blah holy shit i write like a cunt lmao